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Poets.org :: View topic - The Heeling Heart
The Heeling Heart
If I were God, Id have
made the human heart just
below the heel.
Blood would flow right
back down and
bada bing, bada boom
no varicose veins
no puffy blue legs,
no blood clots.
Its a bit far-fetched
and far from the lungs
and brain, yes,
but being calloused,
the heart would be used
to being stepped on.
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I know you post it for critiques, but thanks for sharing the same.
Just what I need, having been stepped on not long ago.
tk
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This is clever, and funny.
The only thing I would suggest:
Its a bit far-fetched
and far from the lungs
and brain, yes,
but being calloused,
the heart would be used
to being stepped on.
Maybe edit to read:
It's a bit far-fetched
and far from the lungs
and brain, and yet
being calloused,
the heart would get used
to being stepped on
This is a great little poem!
Thanks for sharing it.
Laura
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Very Nice poem James, I think Laura has just given some good advice.
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Hi James,
I find the cardio-vascular implications of this conceit quite thought provoking like gangrene of the brain, for sufferers of severe diabetes and would this make males more (or less) prone to certain cognitive limitations, when dealing with the opposite sex?
Never mind having to take a completely new look at which (alternative) body parts would soon develop into clichés in poetry.
Can you imagine the clichéd balls of someones feet?
Only a Doctor could come with something like this I like it.
My only little nit is L6 bada bing, bada boom-.
The sound does not simulate a beating heart and if you were going for the d, b, and ah sounds, why not dada bing, dada boom-, at least the surrealism would then be re-inforced.
But theres probably something Im not getting it wouldnt be the first time.
Perhaps you have an athletes heart in mind, where the stroke is extended because of an enlarged left ventricle?
I dont know, but do find it puzzling.
Much enjoyed.
Kind regards,
Mark
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James,
This is definately a plausible internal combustion problem that we as mortals deal with.
Then again I am in a relationship that has been resigned to paper and still being walked on...
Thank you for your beautiful insight.
Dayz
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JW:
A sweet, well crafted poem, briefly enjoyed, but for me not one of your more memorable ones, as your great poems go.
It's kind of like a physiologist re-wording of Hank Williams (Your Cheatin' Heart).
I want to know who hurt your heart, and why and how.
The bada bing thing cheapens things, and at about that point I almost stopped reading.
And the title: a brief play on words, amusing, but there's got to be more to a heart and what happenened to it before I will go for this kind of rendering.
TB
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Needless to say, this is good.Someone has remarked about the bada dign line and I think it could be improved upon.Soneone else--or maybe the same one--has said that feels the poem is slight and wants to know more about the what h appened to the poet to bring him to the low pitch of wanting to walk on his own heart in the sad hope of toughening it up.I don't agree with that.I think the poem stands very well as it is.
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Teekay--Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words.
I'm glad the poem offered you something you could relate to.
mollyeve/Laura--Thank you, too, for reading and for your comments and useful suggestions.
saore--Thank you for reading, for your kind words and for offering your take on Laura's suggestions.
Mark--Thanks so much for your time and detailed analysis.
"Bada bing, bada boom" must be a regional thing (a North New Jersey working class phrase, meaning something akin to "voila" or "abracadabra") and thanks for pointing out it may not be universally understood.
This is very valuable information.
Thanks again for your insights.
DayzDream--Thank you for stopping by.
I'm so glad the poem resonated with you.
THB--Thank you for reading and your insightful comments focusing on areas of difficulty in the poem.
Helpful and appreciated.
zorrobueno--Thank you, too, for your kind words and for your take on the "bada bing, bada boom" line and the overall structure and diction.
Thanks to all who replied.
Much appreciated.
Jim
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Tight little thing & interesting insight to an interesting poem.
I personally don't feel the end was premature because the poem was well conveyed just enough w/ an obvious conclusion that actually, sat fairily well to me.
I loved how you were able to write of ailing "body parts" & emotional pain, simultaneously.
I know this is not much help, but more of compliments overall.
This is just such a raw, powerful poem that I see many things that competes with theme.
The aging undertone, nice symmetry, clean & tight (again, 'tight') & most of all, a poem the reader can empathize with.
I have to say, I Enjoyed the "bada bing, bada boom" sound.
It is comical w/ quite a surprise.
And I think more people than you know have said the "bada bing..." thing-I live in TX, for exp.
My only thing, your last stanza has "being," "be" & "being" in three, short lines.
I wasn't so cool w/ that one.
christin
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