Are YOU, were YOU the cheating spouse?

Discussions Search

Reviews

Search Aid

Buzzzz

Google@Omgili

Q&A

	Advanced Search

Welcome to Omgili,
Omgili (Oh My God I Love It ;) is a search engine for discussions. With Omgili you can find answers and solutions, debates, discussions, personal experiences, opinions and more... To learn more about Omgili click here.

This is a complete preview of the discussion as it was indexed by Omgili crawlers. Use this preview if the original discussion is unavailable.
Click here to view the original discussion.
[http://www.chronicleforums.com/Forum/showthread.php?t=167...]
Click here to search for discussions with Omgili discussions search engine.

Are YOU, were YOU the cheating spouse? - Chronicle Forums

I've been waiting for an OT day and here one is.

I was debating on starting this topic and saw the other one on cheating spouses. Have YOU ever been the cheater? I recently cheated on my husband of several years.

The man that I cheated with is also married.

We are carrying on by phone/text, as we live a half a country apart.

We both want to continue. I never thought I'd be this person.

I haven't wanted to have sex with my husband for a long time now....think years not months.

When we have, I've been completely emotionally absent and physically not into it.

He's done nothing wrong, he's not an asshole, he doesn't abuse me in any way.

I had started to think (before I cheated, not after) that although I love my husband, I don't think I am IN love with him anymore. I know I'm a total asshole.

I'm not looking for anyone to kick me when I'm down, but I'm also not looking for any sympathy.

I know what I've done is wrong.

I'm simply looking for candid discussion.

Has anyone been the cheating spouse?

Has anyone been in a marriage where you've had those feelings of not being IN love anymore?

Could you get it back?

But I think everyone has been in a marriage where they don't feel "IN LOVE" anymore.

Feelings are untrustworthy and flippant - if we all acted on our feelings;

The world would be much more chaotic than it already is.

You can feel something in the heat of the moment and feel completely differently about the situation two days later. I was recently speaking with an acquaintance that is leaving her husband of 17 years b/c though they are Quote: "The best of friends" they are just not in love anymore. Duh!

It's never going to be how it was when you were 17 - it's not in human nature to continue in that way. I've always been of the belief that love is a choice - you get that brief, intoxicating feeling when you first fall in love but that does not/is not supposed to last forever.

After that, it's hard work and open communication that keeps a marriage alive. I'm sorry you feel like you are no longer "in love" with your husband but I think the reality is that many people feel that way and you have a choice to either put the spark back into your relationship or leave.

Sadly, I believe too many people think that once the feeling is gone, so is any hope for happiness.

Marriage, like life is a jouney.

I'm a 36 year "veteran".

Sometimes you're on the same road and sometimes you take diverging paths.

We had some pretty rocky times on occasion and even discussed divorce once or twice.

Sometimes we were "in love", sometimes we loved each other but weren't "in love" and sometimes we didn't even like each other very much.

But every time I fell "in love" it was with the same guy, sometimes for the original reason we fell in love and sometimes it was because we had diverged so much and got reacquainted with the newer improved version.

Today I'm more in love than I ever thought possible.

It's a different kind of love, stronger, deeper and more intimate.

We can finish each other's thoughts and speak with no words.

Lives so intertwined I don't know where one of us ends and the other begins.

I thank God we took our vows seriously enough to perservere through the bad times, maintain our respect for each other even through the rough spots and are able to reap the rewards at the end of the road.

Quote: : Marriage, like life is a jouney.

I'm a 36 year "veteran".

Sometimes you're on the same road and sometimes you take diverging paths.

We had some pretty rocky times on occasion and even discussed divorce once or twice.

Sometimes we were "in love", sometimes we loved each other but weren't "in love" and sometimes we didn't even like each other very much.

But every time I fell "in love" it was with the same guy, sometimes for the original reason we fell in love and sometimes it was because we had diverged so much and got reacquainted with the newer improved version.

Today I'm more in love than I ever thought possible.

It's a different kind of love, stronger, deeper and more intimate.

We can finish each other's thoughts and speak with no words.

Lives so intertwined I don't know where one of us ends and the other begins.

I thank God we took our vows seriously enough to perservere through the bad times, maintain our respect for each other even through the rough spots and are able to reap the rewards at the end of the road.

That is beautiful and I hope that I can keep your Quote: in my mind throughout my marriage.

I have been married for only 6 1/2 years and wish to keep it much longer. To the OP, I don't know what to tell you.

Sure after 6 years with my husband, the initial rush and excitement isn't like it was when we first met.

But I still love and cherish him despite the changes in our relationship.

Plus he is my best friend and biggest supporter.

Anyone else who's actually gone that step too far?

Maybe it's too much to expect that folks will go to the trouble of creating an alter to answer me....I don't blame anyone for not coming out with it under their regular username.

I didn't.

Quote: : Wife I've been waiting for an OT day and here one is.

I was debating on starting this topic and saw the other one on cheating spouses. Have YOU ever been the cheater? I recently cheated on my husband of several years.

The man that I cheated with is also married.

We are carrying on by phone/text, as we live a half a country apart.

We both want to continue. I never thought I'd be this person.

I haven't wanted to have sex with my husband for a long time now....think years not months.

When we have, I've been completely emotionally absent and physically not into it.

He's done nothing wrong, he's not an asshole, he doesn't abuse me in any way.

I had started to think (before I cheated, not after) that although I love my husband, I don't think I am IN love with him anymore. I know I'm a total asshole.

I'm not looking for anyone to kick me when I'm down, but I'm also not looking for any sympathy.

I know what I've done is wrong.

I'm simply looking for candid discussion.

Has anyone been the cheating spouse?

Has anyone been in a marriage where you've had those feelings of not being IN love anymore?

Could you get it back? I'm not saying you are an asshole, but I will say that you forcing your spouse to live a lie and that is unfair.

Of COURSE there have been times I wanted to blink, make DH disappear and try with someone else.

But it is something I would refuse to accept being done to me and it would be hypocritical to try and justify it to myself. Your husband and your marriage are being deprived of an essential part of YOU.

Not the sex part but the part that makes you want sex.

Feeling wanted by your partner is such a huge part of an ongoing relationship a spouse doesn't have to abuse you to drive you away.

They simply have to take you for granted.

What your lover gives you is that feeling of being wanted, and the added spice of the forbidden. You CAN get that back in your marriage if you and your spouse both want to try.

You however cannot try if you are 'spending' that emotion elsewhere. Good luck to you.

One additional caution....regardless of what your lover says it is very possible you are not the only one (now or previous).

It is only one small step from lying to your spouse to lying to your girlfriend You are exposing yourself (and through you, your husband) to unknown diseases every time you stray.

Be healthy, get tested.

You are involved with a married man?

Just remember if he cheats on his current wife - he will cheat on you.

And vise versa.

Thank you, thank you, thank you I am floored by the private messages I've gotten.

Several of you have opened up to me about your own experiences and I cannot thank you enough.

I feel desperately alone right now. Believe me, I know what I've done isn't right.

What my lover has done isn't right.

I feel like a bigger ass in all of this.

I feel like he almost had a right/reason to....his wife had an affair, was caught, they separated for a year and then reconciled.

In his situation I'd understand having an affair.

Mine, not so much. Questions?

I will be frank. Yes, I was drinking, and so was he.

He certainly didn't take advantage of me, to be clear on that count.

I do understand and appreciate the concerns about safety, and I understand that anything two people might do sexually has some risk, I will say that we did not have actual intercourse.

I will also freely admit it was not for lack of desire.

This wasn't planned and there were no condoms, simple as that.

I hope that since you do still love your husband, not in love and thats ok, even better, that you will think this through and make a decision that is fair to both of you. The fireworks burn out, they just do, but, there is such safety in a trusting partner, a peace that comes with knowing your partner will be there for you, right or wrong, good or bad.

Its a partnership and you have come to a place in your relationship where it is hard to appreciate.

Now go and visit some of your friends who have been through a divorce. Minnie could not have spoken truer words.

Fall in love over and over again with the same man.

The new and improved man.

My own husband and i would go to what is called Marriage Encounters.

They are a somewhat religous based marital retreat but nondenominational.

There are no words for me to describe to you what those did for our marriage.

And yes, we did divorce but to this day, we are good friend, really good friends and I have the utmost respect for that man.

We raised a family together and other peoples kids together and amazingly enough, we didnt survive the empty nest syndrome.

Both of us had short failing marriages after that.

Hahahah just goes to show that we should not have gotten the divorce in the first place. I wish you all the best and no, I dont think you are a bad person.

Let he who never makes a mistake cast the first stone.

I think that some marriages it is easy to "fall in love over and over" but others that is just not possible.

It's hard to talk to your spouse about being unwanted or unloved and to get a blank "well I'm fine, what's wrong with you?" In your situation you admit you are the bad guy and that you don't feel the same way.

I think that asking for a divorce would be the most honest thing you can do.

Having been on the receiving end of someone who cheated (boyfriend not husband), I can tell you how devastating it is.

Maybe that has shaped how I look at relationships but if things ever got so bad in my marriage and counseling, etc.

Didn't help, I'd opt for divorce before inflicting that kind of pain on someone else.

I'm sure you have your reasons for staying married but I don't think you are being fair to your husband or yourself if your heart's not in it anymore.

I wish you luck.

My husband, after we had been married 18 years, decided that he loved me but was not "in love" anymore.

What I can tell you is this - it was the most painful thing I have ever gone through.

It ripped my guts out and threw them in the fire.

I had no idea he was unhappy.

The whole thing blindsided me. I communicated on the internet with other people who had been through the same thing.

One person said that she had gone through her husband's affair and the death of her child and the affair was more traumatic.

She had always had the fear, deep in her heart, that something might happen to her child, but never dreamed that her partner, friend and lover would turn on her like that. D (yes, D) H and I put things back together, but it was harder than anything I ever want to do again.

It's a wonderful marriage now, a loving marriage, but it is a different one than it was in the beginning.

It's hard to admit this, but there will always be that tiny fear in the back of my mind, when he is late coming home or doesn't answer the phone. This is going to sound bitchy and you won't hear it because you are in la-la land.

It is really selfish to decide on your own to alter your marriage.

If you are through with your marriage, let him know so that he has the option to make plans of his own.

Really. If you can imagine hurting someone in the worst way possible and are ok with doing that to a person you once stood in front of your family and pledged to love, fine.

Just let him know.

He has that right.

I was cheated on and thus I have cheated.

I never felt good about it, but it was an FU mentality.

I am way past that now.

I want the real thing.

Not the BS that's in between.

To have a man you can trust is priceless, esp.

One who will put up with a horsey woman, i.e your husband.

The man you are with, if he is married, is not trustworthy.

Don't confuse lust with love.

Take care and go to counselling if this does not resolve itself through your own common sense.

To be able to look yourself in the eye every morning is more important than a transient relationship.

Another 30+ year veternan here.

I've thought about it, really I have.

There was such a period of time where my SO made me feel so unattractive.

But I held back, even when I felt the end was inevitable... There is only one reason to be on this earth.

It is to live life to your expectations, and to live a life that you feel honors you.

I also feel the other side of the coin is leaving situations, peoples, and animals better than you found them. OP...

I'm not going to talk about your husband, because this has nothing to do with him, it's all about you.

Don't do this to yourself.

You feel guilty...

And it's a natural emotion.

I understand you're feeling attractive and happy to speak to this guy...

It will devestate you. You seem like a very nice, bright, and sad woman.

Sad because the love of her life doesn't light the spark anymore.

For the past 6 months, neither has my SO.

But I'm trying to do my best to change things, and it's going very well. Either love him, or get out.

And do it for you.

If you're unhappy and straying, you DESERVE to be in love...

With yourself. I know this isn't what you want to be or do.

So I think you need to take a weekend, drive, and stay at a motel or somewhere.

And I think you need to do a lot of hard thinking, soul searching.

And you need to figure yourself out, and promise to yourself that you'll make yourself happy and proud of yourself. And then drive home.

Living a life of lies is going to kill you, it's OKAY for things not to work out.

It's up to you if you want to go, or to tell your hubby how you feel.

I told my SO how I felt.

And I'm just beginning...

But things are unbelievably better. Good luck, no matter what happens, you're not a bad person...

You're a good person in a bad situation.

Search yourself, and your heart'll know what to tell you. God, I sound like a Hallmark card.

Gross.

I watched a good friend of mine carry on with a married man, she also was married.

There is nothing I can tell you that will change your mind.

But, here I go again: everything you read about cheaters and cheating and affairs is true.

They RARELY turn out well.

They usually inflict horrible pain on everyone involved, horrible embarrassment -- because they are almost always found out.

And not just by the spouses, but by family members, parents, friends, co-workers, etc.

No one ever looks at you the same way again.

You never look at yourself the same way again. The real question is not whether HE is worth it (and by HE I mean either your lover or your spouse).

The real question is whether YOU are worth it.

People who cheat do not value themselves.

And their cheating makes them value themselves even less.

And then they feel guilty.

And then the whole thing unravels. But likely you will have to find this out for yourself.

I am sorry. This story does not have a happy ending ...

Unless you change the script.

I've never cheated, but have been cheated on.

At the time it was the worst thing I had ever gone through.

More horrible than anything I have gone through since.

I was devestated and felt broken and it took over a year and a half for me to get over it.

I was in horrible shape for the first few months and my entire life suffered for it. I'm always angry when I hear about people cheating on their SO.

I can't imagine purposly causing someone that amount of pain for my own selfish gain.

How can one quick romp in the hay be worth more than the feelings of someone you once loved so much and who probably still loves and trusts you?

I just don't get it. I also don't believe someone should be in a relationship that they're not happy in.

I was in one myself and I didn't leave because I was scared of hurting the other person's feelings.

I didn't want to tell them I was unhappy and didn't love them anymore and wanted something more.

I regret waiting so long to end it and putting myself through so much drama.

So honestly, if you aren't happy then leave.

If you really don't think things can be worked out [and they might not be now that you cheated on your husband, that's for him to decide] then you need to make the choice to walk away. Stop the cheating.

Tell your husband how you feel.

Prolonging the situation is only going to make things worse.

You can't have your cake and eat it to.

I found out my BF had cheated on me not once, but twice.

He told me about the second time when we broke up, and another person let the first time slip, thinking I already knew about it. I asked him about it;

Why he did it. He said "I thought about it all night, and realized it wouldn't change how I felt about you." This person had been in my life for literally a third of my young life.

We went through a lot together, we grew up together, he was my best friend. I told him "You obviously had already changed how you felt about me."

Discussion Title: Are YOU, were YOU the cheating spouse?
Title Keywords: YOU, were cheating spouse? Chronicle Forums

Omgili Home

About

FAQ

Plugins

Usenet